Today I found out that my oldest son’s godmother, named Pam died. My heart is very heavy because this is someone that I have known for my entire life. Our families were bonded together from the time that my parents first moved to Washington, DC, over 65 years ago. Her grandfather oversaw my parents’ marriage, and we all grew up in her grandfather’s church, singing with the youth group and going on church sponsored trips to amusement parks, etc. In our teens and 20s my three sisters, Pam, my cousin Barbara, Lavern, and I even had our own gospel singing group that travelled to different churches to perform.
Pam was like my fourth sister. She was very close to my whole family. My parents had 10 children and our home was the hangout spot for teenagers; it was like the playhouse to our friends. Needless to say, we always had people sleeping over and Pam was there a lot. She also used to date one of my brothers. There were so many adventures, crazy times, but always lots of fun.
I was a teenage mom with my oldest son. Pam did not judge me, even though others did. At my son’s christening, she proudly stood with me in the front of her grandfather’s church accepting the vow to take care of my son and love him as her own if something should ever happen to me. As his godmother, Pam was always there to provide support to me and to him. And now, she’s gone.
As I sit here mourning Pam’s death, I am also mourning the last years of Pam’s life. She was only 56 years old when she died. She began having mini-strokes in her early 40s that would drastically impact on the way she would live the remaining years of her life. I inadvertently watched the slow demise of this beautiful person that I had known for my entire life. Yes, I noticed the changes in her physical appearance, her mobility, and her spirit. But selfishly, I refused to accept that Pam would die anytime soon. This was just not supposed to happen! Does it make me think of my own mortality when people close to me die? Yes, it does, and it scares me. On the other hand, it terrifies me to think of a life unfulfilled.
While most of my blogs are about me going places and sharing those experiences, I also need to be able share my other real experiences with my community of readers because life happens. Also, everything in life is not going to be rosy and good times. At times, I may need to liberate myself from feelings that are so devastating and weighing me down. I need to know that I’m not alone.
Is it strange to hope that strangers will hear me, see me, and empathize with my emotions? Maybe, but we live in a world of social media and we share. I strongly believe that my community is there for me during this time of loss and pain.
Peace and Love,